Koi of the Autumn Leaves @Kyoji@meow.social

im goddam dogy pupy and u better remeember it

https://e926.net/posts/3306380
Source 1: https://twitter.com/AdvosArt/status/1519920521043136513

I am here to tell you a tale. A tale of dreams. A tale of disrespect. A tale of grit. I am here to tell you the story of... G-Fuel

So I was on a day out with my boyfriend, long before all of [gestures vaguely] this, and on our way out of a parking lot, I was glancing out the window and I saw a sign out the back. I went “dude, I think that says... gaming?” So we turned around and pulled in, cause I was curious.

Koi could immediately sense something was wrong, and wanted no part of it.

I too could immediately sense something was wrong, and HAD to know what it was.

So I look on my phone to determine what kind of store it is, and all that comes up are... gamer chairs? Just images of gamer chairs.

There’s a board out front, one of those little cafe chalkboards, where they’re having people vote on “the next flavor of G Fuel”

So there are like company names around the edge of the window but they’re not like... Sega or Nintendo. They’re like “steel series,” whatever the fuck that is

So I step in

There are people crowded around a PS4 and I’m like oh, I know what this is! Tournament signup sheet by the door, I’ve walked into someone’s SFV locals

But one of the people comes over to grab me in that “I work on commission” kinda way and I’m like okay, what is this place?

Anyway so he’s like “well we sell gaming PCs, and accessories, gaming chairs, microphones,” and it dawns on me that this is not a store for PLAYING games

This is a store for STREAMING games

Not like they're trying to host streamers and content creators, more like they want to prey on kids who wanna be the next Ninja

And as I’m coming out of the cosmic reverie that allowed me to glimpse that truth, he says, “and, we sell G-Fuel”

What is G-Fuel, you ask? And so did I. He gestured to a little knee-high cooler full of cans and says “oh, it’s a coffee replacement”

I smile blankly and nod, thinking “okay, so like, Mountain Dew, right?” And he offers me a small cup of something neon blue on the counter, called Blue Ice G-Fuel

So, y’know, whatever, I slam it back. Why not.

The first thing that hits you is that it’s not sour, like most caffeine sodas. It is, instead, kind of... thick and creamy, like condensed milk.

The second thing that hits you is that this is mixed from a powder, because you can feel the silt collecting in your mouth. Even from a sip.

“What’d you think?” He says. So I’m like trying to be polite, and I’m a fan of blue raspberry, and I’m like “oh, yeah, it’s pleasant enough.”

And the guy beside him, who also works for the store, slips and says, astonished, “Really?!”

So then the sales tactics begin. This motherfucker starts trying the full court press to get me to buy a starter kit of G-Fuel, and I’m like politely declining, playing my own neutral game here with the tournament in the background

And so to try to break the stalemate, he unleashes the most menacing question:

“You ever heard of Doctor Disrespect?”

To which I externally reply “uhhhhhhhh, in passing?” And internally reply “ABORT, ABORT”

Apparently he has a sponsored flavor of G-Fuel, and this is supposed to make me want it more.

It is worth noting that other sponsors include Lirik, PewDiePie, and Logan Paul

So Koi walks into the store, because he’s a big sweetie and had ordered us both passion fruit slushes at the tea shop two doors down, and before he can open his mouth I shout “ACTUALLY GREAT I’m here with my friend and we’ve gotta go, see you later” and we escaped